Thoughts on the eve of Noah being 3 months old...

Noah in early January 

I have decided on the hardest part (for me) of becoming a new mom. It is not: the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep, the spit up, the increase of laundry, the breastfeeding, or the fact that sometimes I don’t get a shower. Nope. The hardest part is: the voice inside my head. The conversations I have with myself about how I am doing at my new job.

I look at the moms with two, three, five, eight, ten kids. I see that they are wearing make up, I see that they are on time, I see that they have been baking or knitting, or homeschooling, or painting or…or…or…or…

And the voice inside asks: How does she…?

I think about the moms I know who work outside the home. The ones who do another complete job on top of being a mom, the ones who have a schedule they stick to, the ones who managed to get themselves and their children out the door everyday, and manage to keep all those balls up in the air.

And the voice asks again: How does she…?

Then the voice turns inward. It sees that it is noon and I have not put on real clothing. It sees my make-up unused in the not-so-clean bathroom. It sees that I am still carrying baby weight. That I forgot to call that friend, send that mail, order that thing, put away the, finish the, the, the, the….

And the voice asks: Why can’t you…?

The good news is. I know where this voice comes from. The evil place called: compare. I am determined to send it packing! This week God has seen fit to encourage me through of all things…the internet! (note: surfing the internet is easy to do with one hand while feeding a baby)

First of all, I had one of those moments when I was on a blog of someone I barely know because I followed a link from a facebook page from a friend because I saw someone post on their wall and - oh you get the idea - we’ve all been on those “how did I get here” blogs. ANYWAY…this quote was there along the side “Don’t let comparison steal your joy”. Oh heck yes! That is right…one of my main tasks is to be joyful (as in filled with joy) in all circumstances. And I refuse to let the evil of comparing myself to others beat me. I will banish that little voice to the dark corner it came from. It does no good. Not for me…not for Noah…not for JJ…and certainly not for those women I am comparing myself to. Secondly, my sister-in-law posted a link to an article written from a mom of nine to moms with only one baby. It really hit home in some places and made me feel….here it is…NORMAL! (here it is if you want to read it)

I still will strive to get my work done. Have a clean home, a happy baby, be on time, and maybe put on some make up once and a while but my goal is to stop judging myself in the process. 

So, goodbye little voice…you are not invited to the 4^th month of Noah’s life. 

PS- When Noah was turning two months old I made a promise for a “2 month” post and it never happened. This being a prime example of one of the lessons I’ve learned in the last 3 months: I am not going to get it all done. I just can’t do all that I once did and I definitely can’t do it as fast. There are nights the dishes sit in the sink. There are times the laundry does not get moved along and my neighbor takes it out and leaves it on top of the machines (like in college). There are dust rabbits…not bunnies. My time is not my own and (I want to make this clear) that is exactly what I signed up for. It is still a hard lesson and adjustment to make. So, there was no 2 month post…and for that I am not sorry…some things have to be laid down…so that I can pick up my 3 month old.

10 things I've learned this month...

I wrote and posted this on facebook on November 21st. Just re-posting it here now:
1.) Trust my instincts...this especially goes when it concerns my body and medical professionals. IE: The nurse who told me my water hadn't broken...when it clearly had or the other nurse who told me I had hours of labor left...45 mins. before Noah was born.
2.) Nothing in my apartment or wardrobe is safe from the many things that come out of a baby AND that none of that stuff really matters.
3.) At some point the lack of sleep does catch up with me and I can sleep standing up (leaning against the baby's swing).
4.) Sleeping while the baby is sleeping is easier said than done.
5.) Some people are just silly enough to ask me "What are you doing with all your free time?" and "Are you bored?" when I have a NEWBORN child.
6.) Read all the books, talk to your friends, listen to the doctors...then do what works for you and your baby.
7.) Noah loves to eat.
8.) Noah loves mirrors.
9.) When all else fails...swaddle, pacifier, bounce, and SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
10.) I have a wonderful family, great friends, and most importantly a loving husband. (I sorta already knew this.)

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Noah's Book Club: December 2011

Title: Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
In this book I was introduced to Eric Carle. I love him.

Author: Bill Martin Je/Eric Carle

Why Noah Picked It: I love the illustrations in this book. They are big and bright. There is only one thing on each page so my young eyes know what to focus on. The last page shows all the animals and watching my parents point to them so often I eventually figured out how to point too. I point at them in whatever order I feel like and sometimes Dad or Mom will read off what I am pointing at. Fun!

I also own the Polar Bear and Panda Bear titles but this is my original and all time favorite. This is also where I met Eric Carle and he is by far my favorite author to date. 

P.S. My Mom had to tape up the binding with packing tape...a sign of true love.

Baby Belgua

Noah's Book Club: November 2011

Title: Baby Beluga
My first favorite.

Author: Raffi/Wolff

Why Noah Picked It: I love the bright illustrations and that the words are a song. It is the first book I really loved and anytime I got upset someone would show it to me. I really like that puffin. My Mom really went crazy when she could tell I favored this book above all others. My Dad found an animated version of the book on that little black thing he carries around in his pocket. He lets me watch it sometimes. After many months, I still love this book.

Welcome to Noah's Book Club

Our son loves books. A lot. He loves when adults read them to him but he also loves flipping through the pages on his own. He also loves taking each and every one off the book shelf. Each month he will pick a book club book with the hopes that all his baby friends out there will join him in his love of high quality literature. We are retroactively posting 10 books for the first 10 months of Noah's life. The hard part was getting him to just choose ten! We are expecting this book club to be even more popular than Oprah's and that your local book store will need to order extra copies of each of his picks. :)

A New Season

 Today was a big day. I feel like today should be marked by something huge. However, the day was quite normal from start to finish. I slept as long as I possibly could until I had to get up to get to school on time. I taught kids. I worried about test results. I tried to give kids my “I’m-totally-serious-about-this-school-year-but-I-am-also-nice” vibe. I tried to learn names and figure out my previous connections to kids. I discovered that a large percentage of the kids in 5^th grade were either siblings of past students or the children of people I went to school with. That happens fast in a small town.

At the end of the day, I got many hugs and best wishes. It all felt very surreal. Part of me still can’t wrap my head around this season of life ending. School is all I’ve ever known. I have been in school continuously since 1986…I was 4 years old. I thrive on its schedules and routines. I basically think the calendar year is actually September to August. I don’t understand how any adult couldn’t know all the words to “My Country ‘tis of Thee.” You could say that I have no memory of life without school and you would be right.

Being a teacher is easily one of the biggest things I draw my identity from. Thankfully, it is only one of the biggest things, with who I am in God and who I am in my family making up much of my identity as well. I will need those more than ever now.

In my adult life, teaching has been one of the only constants. Everything except that has changed. Relationships, housing, cars, friendships, churches…only Middleburgh Elementary School and the fact that I teach there has remained untouched by any of life’s changes. Until now.

One season ends and another begins. Now I trade what I’ve been trained to do for what I was born to do. I trade all I know for the great unknown of motherhood. I give up financial gain for coupons and budgets. I leave a very public sphere of influence for a very private one…a very small one. I stop submitting to a principal and a superintendent and I submit myself to the role of wife and mother.

I am very blessed to be able to make this choice…the choice to stay home for a season and be a Mom. The change is big but it is the right one for my family and me. It comes with sacrifice and a whole lot of questions but I know how fortunate I am.

My whole life I wanted to be two things when I grew up…for the last 8 years I have done one…now…now is the time for the other.

A photo from the 1st day of school this year. 

  

So...maybe I am not a blogger.

I started this blog over a year ago and I have used it 3 times.

Maybe I am just not a blogger.

Plus...if no one...and I mean NO one: 1) Knows you have a blog 2) Reads it
then is there a point to blogging?

I could journal. I used to love writing. I used to NEED to write.
I want to start up and again. Use that part of me.

It may be here...but I may just dig up a blank book and a pen.

Who knows?