|Noah in early January|
I have decided on the hardest part (for me) of becoming a new mom. It is not: the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep, the spit up, the increase of laundry, the breastfeeding, or the fact that sometimes I don’t get a shower. Nope. The hardest part is: the voice inside my head. The conversations I have with myself about how I am doing at my new job.
I look at the moms with two, three, five, eight, ten kids. I see that they are wearing make up, I see that they are on time, I see that they have been baking or knitting, or homeschooling, or painting or…or…or…or…
And the voice inside asks: How does she…?
I think about the moms I know who work outside the home. The ones who do another complete job on top of being a mom, the ones who have a schedule they stick to, the ones who managed to get themselves and their children out the door everyday, and manage to keep all those balls up in the air.
And the voice asks again: How does she…?
Then the voice turns inward. It sees that it is noon and I have not put on real clothing. It sees my make-up unused in the not-so-clean bathroom. It sees that I am still carrying baby weight. That I forgot to call that friend, send that mail, order that thing, put away the, finish the, the, the, the….
And the voice asks: Why can’t you…?
The good news is. I know where this voice comes from. The evil place called: compare. I am determined to send it packing! This week God has seen fit to encourage me through of all things…the internet! (note: surfing the internet is easy to do with one hand while feeding a baby)
First of all, I had one of those moments when I was on a blog of someone I barely know because I followed a link from a facebook page from a friend because I saw someone post on their wall and - oh you get the idea - we’ve all been on those “how did I get here” blogs. ANYWAY…this quote was there along the side “Don’t let comparison steal your joy”. Oh heck yes! That is right…one of my main tasks is to be joyful (as in filled with joy) in all circumstances. And I refuse to let the evil of comparing myself to others beat me. I will banish that little voice to the dark corner it came from. It does no good. Not for me…not for Noah…not for JJ…and certainly not for those women I am comparing myself to. Secondly, my sister-in-law posted a link to an article written from a mom of nine to moms with only one baby. It really hit home in some places and made me feel….here it is…NORMAL! (here it is if you want to read it)
I still will strive to get my work done. Have a clean home, a happy baby, be on time, and maybe put on some make up once and a while but my goal is to stop judging myself in the process.
So, goodbye little voice…you are not invited to the 4th month of Noah’s life.
PS- When Noah was turning two months old I made a promise for a “2 month” post and it never happened. This being a prime example of one of the lessons I’ve learned in the last 3 months: I am not going to get it all done. I just can’t do all that I once did and I definitely can’t do it as fast. There are nights the dishes sit in the sink. There are times the laundry does not get moved along and my neighbor takes it out and leaves it on top of the machines (like in college). There are dust rabbits…not bunnies. My time is not my own and (I want to make this clear) that is exactly what I signed up for. It is still a hard lesson and adjustment to make. So, there was no 2 month post…and for that I am not sorry…some things have to be laid down…so that I can pick up my 3 month old.